I can't believe you are not here with us / Nick Roehm (one of his best friends )
I will NEVER forget Taylor. he has left me with SO MANY unbelievably ridiculous yet HUMOROUS stories!!!!! Like going to the Princess Resort and using Nick Allens name at security while laughing so hard we had tears in our eyes. Or going to magic mountain for the Physics trip and following someone aound completely different (we thought it was Yacobson) Or even the time we stayed up all night prank phoning girls and asking them to PROM!
Taylor was a GREAT FRIEND and an even better BROTHER!!!!
I will never forget his silly phrases like, "What up Playa?" or "Holla, holla, holla!", or my favorite -- "I'm Ron Burgundy??????" Hysterical!
There are just to many memories to fit here. Thank you for being in my life. Taylor, you are a true blessing. I love you man, and i miss you so much. I promise to watch out for Brooke, she could use a few big brothers.
trial and tribulations / Lori Burgstahler (Mom) After the police delivered the shattering news about Taylor's demise I had to call his dad. It was the most difficult call I ever had to make. If you have ever lost a child, you know how terribly difficult it is to have to actually speak the words aloud that your child is dead. When I called him that evening, it was probably around 11:30 PM his time. I'm so glad he had picked up the phone, yet on the other hand, I wished I had never had to call.
I remember crying in disbelief while saying , "Taylor's dead! Our baby is dead! He drowned!"
All I can remember is this gasp coming from the other end of the line, and then this loud tormented cry of incredulousness with a single word.
"Nooooooooooooo!"
It was the saddest sound I have ever heard from my husbands voice. The word said with such despondency and heartbroken heartedness nearly split my soul in two. The deepest regions of my soul had already been ripped apart after hearing the shocking news of my son drowning, and now to hear my beloved's world being torn apart too was almost too much to bare.
Next I had to tell my daughter Brooke. I knew this wasn't going to be easy because the two of them had always been close, especially this year. High school had bonded them even closer than I had ever imagined could be possible. A few moments after I had told Brooke in person (when I called her, I didn't tell her what had happened, just that she needed to come home immediately) Donnie, his father Bill Stockwell, Nick Moschetta, and Mike Vaccarri came to the house. As soon as I saw the kids, I went up to them and hugged them. I still wasn't sure what had transpired that lead to Taylor's death. I didn't know if he had been fooling around and was pushed accidentally or if he had simply lost his footing and fallen. I was devastated. As I stood outside trying to figure out Taylor's last moments with Nick and Donnie, my good friend and neighbor Bob Trejbal pulled his Range Rover into the driveway across from our home. I only remember seeing him get out of his car, running up to him and screaming,
"Bob! Bob!"
"Oh my G-d!" "Oh my G-d!" "You have to help me, please, you have to help me!"
Poor Bob is completely bewildered by this sudden outburst of emotion from me and looks at me and says,
"What? What is going on?"
You could hear how concerned he was in his voice. With this deeply seeded anguish, I let out a tearful bellow and cried,
"Taylor's dead, Bob! He's dead!"
With that sentence, I fell onto the ground and wept with the guttural sound of an injured animal. It was at that moment I had lost all hope. My baby was forever gone and I would live with this unbearable pain forever. I have never been through what really happened with the boys at the scene. To this day I am unsure what happened and HOW it could have happened. When you look at it, it seems impossible...
What so many people ask is why did you move so quick?
As if losing our only son wasn't enough, we had more trouble with our move to PA than we had had in any of our other moves combined. First of all, the movers had been canceled without our knowledge so we had to reschedule and they couldn't find anyone to pack us up on such a short notice. But at that time, we just wanted to get out of Dodge. Brooke wanted to stay of course, but who could think straight at that time? So they send some guys over to pack up our house. Thank goodness we had our families there to help us out and guide us because at the time, I wasn't capable of insuring that things were being packed correctly. If you have moved before, you know how important it is to make sure the movers pack everything well. Having had several professional moves before, I knew that, but I just couldn't bring myself to release my son's cremation box. Which I held onto it for days. I even fell asleep with it in my hands the day we brought it home from the mortuary. It was such a sad day.
It took the movers several days to finish packing and loading up the truck. During those last days, we had invited all of Taylor's friends to join us at the house. We had people over 24/7. I think Taylor's friends felt as lost as we did. And we desperately wanted to connect with them for they were our only recent connection left to Taylor. They let us in on all the shenanigan's they were involved with over the past summer with Taylor. For a brief moment, we were allowed into the world of a teenager. Not as parents, but as friends. We will be forever grateful to his friends for letting us in. And grateful to all the friends we made through this process and for the Desert Mountain High School and it's PTO because without them, we'd we lost. Desert Mountain High School, is by FAR the best school in the United States to handle this type of situation. The administration has been a lifesaver.
I went into auto control. I was completely blown away. Here I am in a house that is about to be packed up, knowing I have to leave, yet not knowing where to start. SO many people have said, "Why didn't you stay?" Because we couldn't. Plain and simple. It never occurred to cancel the sale of our Scottsdale home and the one we bought in PA. Besides, we needed to be together as a family.In hindsight, we should have never left Scottsdale. We should never had even thought, for one moment, to take our kids out of high school where they loved going to school. Unless your child asks to move, I would not recommend moving your kids during their high school years. You never know what can happen.
Brooke's new school on the other hand was a complete disaster! We thought because the counselor that was in charge of Brooke knew of the situation personally (since her mother had worked in the same department as my husband) and we had gone into the school several times to make sure they were prepared to help Brooke, we were set. We couldn't have been more wrong. Brooke spent the first three days in the bathroom, crying, all alone and no one even noticed she was missing! Including her teachers, counselors and principals. All of whom I had spoken with personally prior to school. They had completely dropped the ball on my daughter and it was all downhill from there. It was so hard on Brooke, the entire situation was completely unfair and just too much for a 15 year old to handle.
Academically the school wasn't as strong as I had been told. Come to find out it's because the principal had lied (and fired for it then rehired!) about the test results to the state! The school was in disarray and looked like the most sterile environment I have ever seen. It looked like a mental ward in a hospital, not a school. There were no colorful rooms to encourage learning. No posters, no words of encouragement hanging up, nothing. No show of school spirit - nothing. The entire school and all the rooms were stark white! The first week of school was Parent's Night and I cried the entire evening because I knew we had made a big mistake sending Brooke to Peter's Township High School. But we were determined to make a go of it.
On top of all this, while our furniture was en route to PA, it had gotten caught in a rainstorm (in AZ!) and much of it was damaged. So the first few weeks in the new house we had just a few pieces of furniture. Over the next three months, we gradually got our furniture back. The company had to keep it because most of it was destroyed and was either being repaired or was being held for insurance purposes. Great....
On a lighter note, our neighbors had heard about Brooke's ordeal and arranged a party for us so she could meet some of the girls at the school. Our neighbor Terry brought her daughter Lauren, a cheerleader at Peter's Township High School and they became fast friends. Whew! Lauren introduced Brooke to many people and school was beginning to get better socially. Although, the lack programs, unmotivated teachers and poor administration had made no improvements.
Even though Brooke now had friends, she still felt uncomfortable, as did we all, because not a single person had ever met Taylor. It made grieving extremely difficult. How do you cry in front of strangers?
Not to mention, a week after we moved in, my nephew Ryan moved in with us because he was interested in getting a job in the advertising/music industry. Ryan, a quiet 21 year old who had never lived away from home, was obviously very uncomfortable in this sad world of ours. Can you imagine how difficult it must have been for him? For a young man to offer to stay with a family during the darkest time of their lives, to try to be of help, was such a tremendously courageous thing to do. We are so thankful Ryan was around those first few months.
Brooke never left her room because she didn't really know Ryan very well and felt uncomfortable with a stranger living in our house. I could not cry because I didn't want to upset Ryan. Our household was a sad ball of tension and grief. Clearly, something had to be done.
We began to realize that Brooke was much happier in Scottsdale. The parents of her friends were so supportive of her. I credit them 100% for seeing her through the darkest days after Taylor's death. On one of our trips down to Arizona, we decided to let Brooke stay and go back to her old high school. That was a smart decision.
Brooke stayed at her best friend Andrea Mee's house. Andrea's mom Vicki and dad Tim, were available emotionally for Brooke, something she desperately needed. Thankfully they welcomed her with wide open arms. The following weekend Brooke and I went house hunting (a difficult thing to do in a few hours!) because we had decided it was best if I move down to Scottsdale so Brooke could finish high school at Desert Mountain.
It's been nearly one month since we have been back and I can say with a happy heart, it was the right thing to do. Brooke is back to her old self. Desert Mountain High School has been amazingly supportive to our family throughout this entire ordeal. Her counselor Ted Skowron put Brooke back into the IB Program (the same one Taylor had been in) and even got her back into Student Government! Now she's Junior Class President (for next year). Taylor had been Junior Class President at Desert Mountain High School also. She's an incredible girl with a heart of gold. I'm so very proud of her!
We have decided to live in Scottsdale until Brooke graduates. Brooke and I are in another state without her dad, he is totally alone in this huge house that our son never saw, no one even ever MET our son in PA! So to them, as hard as they try, they don't understand the deep loss we have suffered. My incredibly strong husband is dealing with so much, it's amazing he has survived at all. His success at the company is a true testament to his highly crafted skills and his business expertise. He is far and away one of the company's best assets. The man deserves a reward for hanging in there. He is the best father any child could have.
Happy 20th Birthday Taylor / Nova (friend)
I cannot even begin to express how much I miss you. It's strange because there is so much I wish I could say to you, but I can't seem to get it out right.
You were, simply put, amazing. You were extraordinary in so many ways, and everyone knew it.
I have so many great memories with you.
I think the first time we really began talking was when I was upset one day and you were the first and only person to cross the room and ask me if I was ok. No one else noticed me, but you did. You were always thinking of other people. You sat there with me and talked to me about it until I felt better. That, of course, didn't take long. Anyone who didn't know you could not even begin to comprehend how hard it was to be sad around you. You had the best personality in the world! From then on, we talked every day in class, and sometimes outside of school.
I remember us going into the food area every day with water bottles and filling them with so much lemonade powder that most people would get sick if they drank it. You would pour and pour until powder was practically coming out the top!
And by the way, you are still the only person that could get me to listen to Ska ;-).
You were the nicest, most fun person to be around.
I wish you were here so we could celebrate your birthday. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.
I am so blessed to have been able to know you and spend time with you in your life.
Happy birthday Taylor!
Love, Nova
still laughing at his jokes! / Ann (friend/classmate) Taylor, Thanks for making us laugh through all our classes together! I'm going to miss drawing penguins on your papers.
I miss you still............ I have not met anyone yet who comes close to being the kind and gentle person you are/were. And then I think about how you made everyone laugh and feel good about themsleves. God obviously made a mistake in taking you, something strange must have happend that day because I know you are supposed to be here still.
Hope you're happier someplace else...
Groove (A Memorial) / D. B. (best friend ) Groove (A Memorial) August 13, 2006
It's early Sunday and I'm up playing guitar and not being tired once again. I'll get the whole sleep thing down before I move out, but I've got a few days. I just was looking at the memorial website for one of my friends who died last summer and it all just kinda came flooding back to me how much I freaking miss this kid and how unfair it seems that people can walk this Earth every day and not commit to anything or amount to anything or even be good for anything but this kid lived his life in the most vivid and passionate way only to have that same life taken from him after 17 years. What's fair about that? Absolutely nothing. It's dumb too because I know it could've just as easily have been me if I would've gone camping with him the day after we ate lunch together for the last time. I was so glad to see him. It had been over 2 months and we just had sort of grown apart and out of nowhere I just get the feeling that I should call him and we should go out to lunch. We did, and we came back to my house and acted like idiots and played Halo (as usual) and then what happens? He dies in a tragic accident the next day. I mean. Seriously, how does something like that even happen? I mean, I love God and I'm going to make a my life a living sacrifice to him, but I just can't see how that judgement would be just in any way. I guess I'll have to live more to understand how something like that even happens. The weird part about it is, sometimes I catch myself wondering, hey, I wonder what Taylor's doing tonight? And then it all just comes back to me how good of a kid he was and how genuinely caring and passionate of an individual he was. I feel so bad for his family, I can't imagine what going through such a tremendous ordeal is like. He was a son and brother and he's gone. I feel like I shouldn't re-itterate that at all, but I think it's so important to remember him, because sometimes you meet bad people and you get dragged down into the dirt by people who don't care about you and don't care about life, and I want to remember him especially because he wasn't like that at all. I'm leaving for college in 3 days and I still feel 17, I think I'll feel 17 for some time. I don't know what college is going to be like not having that kid around to make fun of and make an idiot of myself with. I don't thank God enough that he sends people like that.
I have so many memories from T-Burger from just our last year together in school. Taylor and I met in STUGO and Spanish IB. Both would not have been the same without him. One major thing me and Taylor ahd in common was our love for food. He also enjoyed to go along with my idiotic blonde moments. One of the many, many things I loved about T was his openess to new music. I was doing a dance to Funky Y2C, a very sarcastic song and I would sing it everyday and dance for Taylor. He was getting so annoyed but the next day the song was on his ipod. Taylor was loved by many. I will always remember Taylor's love, smile and humor. I loved Taylor very much and always will.
yortsite/ Hadas (friend) well, i knew this date would come but never thought of it. i'm in israel right now, and although its crazy here, most of my mind is occupied by taylor. i went to the wailing/western wall in jerusalem while i was here, its the only remanent of the huge temple that was in ancient jerusalem. its pretty much the holiest site in israel, and tons of people go to pray, and they write notes/prayers/wishes on little pieces of paper, and stick them in, hoping that god reads them. i wrote about taylor. it just seemed fitting, and i felt content, as i walked backward away from the wall (you're not supposed to have your back facing the wall) burgstahlers; you are always in my heart and mine and i will never forget taylor, wherever i may go. i don't think anyone can forget. Brooke & Hadas Gold (Kevin Hassett in background) in Lake Pleasant the day we scattered some of his ashes into the water, July 2006. (Yes we know, but Taylor would have wanted it that way. Yes I know about "b. Sanhedrin 46b" )
Another amazing site for grieving hearts / Lori Burgstahler (mom) The following link will bring you to a very powerful story. It's about an everyday miracle. We just have to open our eyes.
I'm sorry I'm moving - written by Taylor / Taylor Burgstahler
I found this amongst Taylor's things. I wish we had never had to move, I realize now how much harder it was for him than he let on.
Moving/Apology
I just wanted to tell you that my family is officially moving to Pittsburgh after this year. I told some of the kids in STUGO, but not everyone because until Tuesday, we were still undecided. However, my dad accepted the job and we will be leaving after this school year.
I'm not sure however, if I will be going with. If I do well (very well) in my classes, my parents will let me stay with a friend for my senior year (David Blakeman, the Saguaro Jr. Prez). I regret not informing you sooner, but even I was unsure what exactely was going to happen until a few days ago.
Hopefully, I can do well and not move, but I realize it is up to me to succeed. Pittsburgh would not be horrible, but I absolutely do not want to be uprooted my final year of high school. Of course, I also know that everything will work regardless, and that the opportunity my father had was phenomenal, and much too good to decline.
I Still Think about Prom Night / Jena Pratt (Friend)
Taylor was the sweetest and most thoughtful guy that I have had the pleasure of meeting. Every time I hear the song "Brick" by Ben Folds Five I get soft tears in my eyes. Tears of sadness, confusion, and curiosity. He knew how much I loved music, and that's why he made 5 CDs for me that read "Will You Go to Prom with ME". We had a great night together. His personality and outlook on life was always positive. He was the first person to die that I had feelings for, that made it very difficult to deal with. To this day I offer my prayers and blessings to Taylor and his family. It has been almost 3 years since he passed away, and I continue to pray for guidance for him in his new life.
If I had not believed in your message of hope, support and forgiveness, I would not have believed the email sent to me.
A man who was sorrowful and scared sent me and only me an email through this website.
I knew that he was serious because this wesbite is different than the other memory-of websites. I don't have just pictures of l Taylor, I try to provide solutions and resources for those in need of help. That is something my son would have done. That is something you had always done for others. You were always there. You always gave people the benefit of a doubt.
I listened to your spirit the other day Taylor and because I believed in what you taught me we saved a life.
It went like this:
I received an email from D. L. Hardy. He wanted to end his life. Many others told me it was just a hoax, but something inside me told me to take this seriously. So I did.
I called everyone I could think of. Suicide Hotline (they do put you on hold!) all the forums I could think of and finally my local police who knew me well enough to know I was serious and took this note seriously. Together, we located him in another state and he is now getting the help he needs.
Thank you Taylor, he is alive today because of you!
To anyone else out there - I swear, I will try my best to see you through any hardship. We are in this boat together, we can make it together!
Taylor truly is an angel!
Taylor was/IS an amazing kid - Read it in his own words / lori burgstahler (proud mom )
I have been trying to locate lost pages of Taylor's "suchas this diaries" blog.
Today I found this on an archive page:
irrational... May 10, 2004
Listening to: irrationality of rationality-nofx
im sure ive written about this before, but even though im not a "punk" in dress or "action" , a very large amount of my friends fall in that "category" and its what i listen to (well, ska but same difference) and a lot of what i believe. switch gave me the nofx-war on errorism cd today to burn (its actually steves)and even though ive listened to all the songs countless times (alas, my best nofx cd was broken in half today by josh...darned leprechauns) i never had listened to this cd in order, i.e. on the real cd not a burned grouping of songs... well, now that im taking the time to go through it, and listening to the lyrics, i cant help but think. its not good to say that any particular viewpoint is correct, but based on the facts that ive read about, been told, or seen, i think that a lot of the stuff they talk about is true. its also "exposed" an their other cds, on albums by bands who feel the same way, or just plain liberal thinkers...open up and check them out some time. for example, one song speaks of how people get screwed over at work, at home, or by other people and how they react. not everyone knows how to handle all situations, and this just mentions one guy being fired despite being hugely successful and an overall good guy --"what keeps one from swallowing a shotgun?".--- the theres other instances, again in the song-- "dan, a company man, felt loyalty to the core. after 16 years of service, and a family to support. he actually started to believe the weaponry and chemicals were for national defense cause danny had a mortgage and a boss to answer to. the guilty dont feel guilty they learn not to."
Part 2 -
continuation of last...read previous entry before this one May 10, 2004
Listening to: irrationality of rationality-nofx
ok, this is the rest of what i was posting a minute ago------so read the previous entry before you get to this one i try to get as much info a i can about whats going on in the world around me, and just by reading the lyrics of this particular song, and dissecting what their saying, im floored. people are beaten down, not given respect, and sometimes freak out. but everyone knows that. the only thing i have to say is the way we treat others needs to be seriously rethought, because its a direct reflection upon ourselves. i know im guilty of being an idiot at most times, but i try my hardest to do it all in good fun, and never hurt the persons feelings, hence maybe picking on friends but making sure they know im joking, and receiving the same in return. i cant stand it when someone or groups of people just bash kids for no reason whatsoever. i think thats why im involved in all the crap i am, because its almost as though i want a hand in a lot of different things to see that each is run in a good fashion. also mentioned on the cd is the downfall of values. (geez guys, sorry. i must sound ilke a diehard fan here...not that i dont like them but im in that kinda mood i guess)the one thing that peeves me more than anything is corruption, whether it be morally, in business or otherwise. like in our current government and especially with our "great leader". its horrible to think that someone we apparently elected (again..wont get into it) has the power to ruin the lives of so many. and its not that im blaming the state of the world on him, but its a factor nonetheless. i also understand not all of the decisions were his to make and that if youd like to believe it or not, bush is a figure head for a greater power in government. a company needs a person to handle relations, while the rest of the "employees" handle the dirty work. thats what our countries become at this point in history. i just hate seeing or hearing baout people who dont get what they deserve, whether it be just a simple pat on the back or recognition for a job well done. ack. then again, with all the crap going on now, its probably the last thing on peoples minds... but, more about that later, because those of you that know me personally are probably aware of my opinions regarding that... for those that dont, maybe another entry later. well, sorry for the anti climactic ending, but ive spoken long enough so im done. adios all
When I think of you, a word that often comes to mind is, "sweet," because that is what you are. You were born with such a sweet deposition, a gentle nature that often made others feel comforted.
I think of the day when Mr. Lulongo (your sixth grade teacher) had commented that he had never met a child before with as strong of a conscious as yours. I knew he was right and I was so proud Taylor, so proud!
Even when you joked around or pulled pranks, you were always painfully aware of the feelings of those who were around you. I can't think of one time when you deliberately tried to hurt anyone. You were always so grounded, things just never got to you. That always amazed me. You taught me how to be an adult and you did it as a child yet still better than any real adult ever could.
There are no words to describe how empty I feel now that I am without you. The constant yearning to hold my darling son again never ceases to pull at my heart. I shall never truly heal Taylor, but I'm sure you already know that. I'm not sure where I fit in anymore Taylor because you were always such a guiding force for me.
I struggle with the political correctness of how to handle your death in front of others. I want to scream and cry and scratch at my skin. I want to grab and shake other parents and desperately try to explain to them how hollow I feel now. How it's never going to be alright and how much this truly hurts! We'll move on because we're force to pretend to, because it's expected, but not because we want to.
I fear people in this world will never wake up to the beauty of the those around them. Of the unique gifts that each of us offer. How important every person is on this Earth who takes a breath. I fear people will never fully realize the beautiful gift they have been given by being allow to linger in this world, for even just one more day.
There are so many precious people in this world and we hear so little about the good they do. We are so cut off from our gentle graciousness that we listen only to words that strike and injure. I have committed myself to bringing to the world -- YOU. People will know you Taylor, because they need to know you, because you represent everything that is good in this world. Happy Birthday my sweet Tay-Tay. How I wish I were with you.
All my undying love and devotion, Mommie
Taylor letting us know he was at his 19th Birthday Party! / MOM To Angel Taylor (mother)
On February 26th, we celebrated Taylor's 19th Birthday at Hansen Memorial Gardens near his plaque which is in the children's section next to the Angel of Hope statue.
The day before, after and on his birthday I was bombarded with signs. Before Taylor died, I never looked for signs from my mother (who died when I was a teenager) or from other family members or friends who had died prior to Taylor.
Since Taylor drowned though, I have seen so many unusual things that I seriously cannot just disregard them as coincidences. Throughout this website there are several stories of some of the amazing things that have occurred to me. Religious dogma will have you believe that what is happening cannot be real. But too many things have occurred for them to NOT be true.
Here are a few more things that have happened:
The butterflies.
There are some days when the pain is still overwhelming for me. Taylor and I were close, very tight and we pretty much thought exactly alike of most issues. Especially politics and the way people are treated in today's world. I miss his conversations dearly. So much so that there are days when I go for a walk and cry for hours on end. When these days occur, I can always find comfort in the little butterfly that always seems to find me.
I'll be in tears and a butterfly will fly near to me, then land on the ground right next to me and stay. It will stay for as long as I need it to be there. Sometimes this can be for an hour or more. When the butterfly first came around I thought perhaps that maybe it IS Taylor, only because I have been told the significance of the butterfly as a spirit messenger. However, at first I thought the whole idea of Taylor being able to communicate through a butterfly was pretty strange. I figured I was certifiably nuts now. But the butterfly would only come by if I were crying. And the darn thing would not leave until I was finished with my tears.
After a few visits of the butterfly while I was grieving (rather loudly I might add) I started to talk to it. I figured, what did I have to lose? We had some long talks, that butterfly and I! Once when I was making my way down the sidewalk, I sat down in the sun to finished sobbing. Of course my little buddy was there, flying about. It grew warm so I took off the sweatshirt I had been wearing, which had been Taylor's favorite one, and as soon as I placed it on the ground, the butterfly immediately landed on it! And stayed for about an hour, listening to me pour my heart out!
After numerous visits from "Taylor the butterfly" I decided to "ask" him if he were really in butterfly form coming to comfort me. As usual, I was walking down the trail, crying my eyes out and asking g-d how he could do this to us. When, as expected, this colorful monarch butterfly came flying up behind me. I stopped for a moment, looked at this butterfly that had perched itself onto a branch nearby and I slowly reached out my arm in front of me. Then I asked him, "If you are truly Taylor, come onto my hand." I stood there thinking, no way. There is no way this butterfly is going to come land on my hand. With my palm up, and my eyes filled with tears, that tiny monarch butterfly flew off it's perch and landed right onto the middle of my palm! I swear I nearly fainted. But the shock was soon replaced with a feeling hope. A feeling of calmness that I hadn't felt since I had been told that my son had drowned.
Now, when I have a really bad day, I'll go for a walk and look for my butterfly, who never fails to find me.
Another unusual incident was on Taylor's birthday. Brooke and I were sitting in the living room talking about how much we missed Taylor and about how funny he was. Taylor was hysterical. Every time he spoke, he made you laugh. He was so easy to love. Just we were talking about how much he made us laugh and how we wished he could be with us, this crazy looking pigeon came flying up to our front window and after hitting the glass rather hard (which made us laugh) stood perched on the outside of the widow looking at us with the funniest expression. Brooke and I knew immediately it was Taylor. The timing was uncanny, the look on it's face was undeniably a look Taylor would give and the way it hit the window and stayed, spoke volumes. After we both stopped laughing and said, "Okay Taylor, we see you, you goofball." The pigeon flew away. It was the one and only time a bird flew to that window. Coincidence? I think not.
On the day we celebrated Taylor's Birthday, many of Taylor's close friends came to give their respects. These kids are very important to our healing process and they never fail to show when we ask them to come somewhere. We are so blessed to have them around. Taylor's birthday celebration went off without a hitch and we wrapped up the evening and said good-bye to Taylor's friends. When they had left, all three of us burst out crying. We reminisce about Taylor's goodness and sweetness and yes, sense of humor and finally said our final good-byes and left for the evening. As we were driving home, at the first red light we came to, there right in front of us was a Red Mitsubishi Eclipse, with the license plate, AZSPIRIT. Taylor drove a maroon Mitsubishi eclipse! And there in front of us, Taylor was trying to tell us he was with us. In spirit. It was an amazing moment.
The last crazy thing that has happened recently was with the video camera. Our video camera mysteriously broke in the middle of Brooke's Birthday party. I was taking video one minute and the next, there was no longer a picture. There was still audio, but no visual. So I put it away, thinking I was going to have to replace it.
Well, the day after Taylor's birthday I had an appointment with a medium named Melinda Vail. I was thinking I was going to have to go out and buy a cassette recorder to tape my appointment with Melinda, but remembered that the video still picked up sound. I decided to use the video camera to record the session. To make sure the camera was still able to pick up sound, I tested it out first before leaving for my appointment with Melinda. As soon as I turned it on, the date that showed up was 28 February 2005! Taylor's last earthly birthday! I was astounded. I could not believe my eyes. And to make things even more strange, just as I was saying aloud, "Oh my g-d Taylor, is this you?" The picture magically reappeared!
Do I believe that Taylor had anything to do with the camera? You bet I do. And it brings me great satisfaction to know that he is strong enough to communicate with me still.
So much has happened since Taylor died. I sometimes think I am going crazy, but I'm not. Although all these experiences have me questioning my faith, I am trying hard to figure out if they have any significance. I see Taylor. A lot. I sound like a crazy person when I say it aloud, so I don't tell too many people. At first I thought it was wishful thinking, then I thought I was just stressed, now I do believe I am seeing him. I don't "See" him like a normal vision. He's there, but more as a shadow or a faint version of himself. Usually He's standing in front of me as if demanding attention. Sometimes I think he gets a good laugh out of it and is waving his hands and arms in front on me as if to say, "Hello!" Hello, I'm right in front of you!." Taylor is on the left, his body is larger in proportion to Brooke and Kevin. Taylor's head is near Brooke's back. I've had people say they have felt him near me and one person claims she actually saw him standing directly behind me. I don't hear him and it's frustrating to me because I can't figure out what he is trying to say to me.
Now I'm seeing signs. All kinds of signs. The butterflies when I cry that land on his sweatshirts I carry with me when it's cold out, or the butterflies (these are always monarchs and in the same place each time - like a particular part of the park.)or the butterflies that land nearby and stay put until I am done crying - which can last some 20 minutes or so! Or the butterfly that fluttered on my hand a split second when I asked it to land there if it were truly Taylor. The darn things even stick around for pictures!
Or the bright flashes of light, like little balls of light, literally shooting around my family room. Or seeing his number, the number 55 everywhere - like on jewelry! And how a couple of Brookes friends were searching for a peace sign necklace for her while they were in NYC but couldn't find one - until in the last store they went to they found the last one in the store (supposedly they were all sold out and the one found wasn't even supposed to be there!) was behind a pair of black enamel earrings - they were the NUMBER 55.... I "feel" him nearby. I feel him putting his hand on my right shoulder, always the right. And when I went into his room in PA and plugged in the CD player, it was a Ben Folds Five song that played - a song which we both loved (I introduced him to the band) and it's meaning was so sweet. As if to say, "I'm here."
Or the way it rains -- in Phoenix, Arizona -- it NEVER rains here! It rains every time we are doing something in Taylor's memory. It's as if he's crying tears from heaven. (IS there a heaven?)
And the picture that fell off the wall - underneath the one still pinned up! I KNOW it was pinned, I pinned it myself, I saw the way the photo fell, it was moved by something. Or the image of him on several pictures we have taken.
Or even the conversation he had with his friends on the ride up to the Reservoir - about how he believed in a soul, that it was the "gut" feeling you experienced and that he felt it would live on. He died two hours later. How often does that happen????
Or the picture from MacKenzie Thorpe - that I drew years ago before my son was born and had forgotten about
until my husband said, "I have this piece of art I want to buy for you."
And the fact that every time I take my dog for a walk outside, I find rocks, shaped like hearts. Nearly a hundred of them! One at a time. the more upset I am, the more I find. Am I looking for these things? Is it all purely coincidence? What about the heart shaped oil stain that just "appeared" when I arrived in PA - it was near the kitchen door - the car can't get that close. My husband swears it was not there before I arrived.
I see shadows of someone walking on days it's pouring outside (When I was in PA)
Or the year before he died with the way I'd hug him and I'd say, "just a little longer, I want to remember what you smelled like." Or the way I'd crawl up next to him when he was napping to catch a snuggle and think to myself, "this won't last." I thought I was thinking those things because he would be going off to university in a couple of years - not because he was going to die!
Or the way when I'd hug him and feel like I needed to "measure" his shoulders because , "I wanted to know where my hands would lie if I pretended to hug him from afar." I didn't do that to my daughter, nor had I ever done it to Taylor prior to that last year. DID I SOMEHOW KNOW HE WAS GOING TO DIE???? How about the way I'd smell cigarette smoke in my office at home -- only no one smoked in the house and there was never anyone around when it happened. It STOPPED the day he died. Was it my mother or his grandfather warning me? Was I supposed to see the signs? Was I supposed to prevent this???
Or my vivid dream as he died. And my feelings of, HE'S TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING. And I just don't understand.....
There have been so many things, too many to list. I want to believe it's Taylor. But on the other hand, I feel that if it is, it's possibly because he died before his time and he doesn't want to go. Or can't...
If you have experienced any of this or you understand what I am going through, I'd appreciate an email. Thanks.
My dog Belle, laying on Taylor's ashes
Pictures of Taylor's spirit on a photo taken at the Senior Awards Banquet - AMAZING! / Spirit Photos of Taylor! (mom)
I saw Taylor the other day, clear as day. He was wearing a white oxford with rolled up sleeves and a pair of khakis. I haven't told too many people for fear they would think I was insane. Let me try to explain how the night played out.
At the Desert Mountain High School Awards Banquet, I sat with some very dear friends of mine. I sat with Brian Hassett and his daughter Laura. They have been there for us since Taylor's tragic death. I was scared to go to this banquet because Brooke was going to be sitting onstage and my husband was stuck in PA therefore I'd be sitting all alone. But I when I saw Brian and Laura there I knew I would be able to make it through the ceremony.
The evening of the awards banquet at DMHS, I had a feeling, a kind of sensation that Taylor was with us. I also had this feeling that if he was, he was feeling gypped. As though he knew that had he been alive he would have won several awards also. I could sense his disappointment. He seemed to miss his friends and was trying desperately to be "part of the group." As one of Taylor's friends made his way to the stage, I was certain I saw Taylor nearby. I sat and watched as Taylor ran up behind Nick Jacobson and slapped him on the back - hard enough to make Nick trip on his way up the stairs. There was no mistaking it, Taylor had slapped Nick's back and said, "Greeeat job Freddy!" and laughed as he did it. And then I just had the sensation that he was still around, watching his friends, but feeling left out. After the awards banquet, one of Taylor's best friends, Kevin Hassett (whom I lovingly refer to as my other son) waited for Brooke and I outside so we could talk. Kevin has been hit hard by the loss of Taylor. Kevin as always been thought of as a part of our family and I feel this strong maternal need to include Kevin in our family activities. We really love him.
While we were standing outside, Brooke suggested that I take a picture of the two of them. Of course I said yes so I did. But the strangest thing occurred. All the pictures we took were all superimposed. This is a digital camera, that I've used many times before for night time shots and they have always turned out very well. This time (as you can see from the pictures below) there appeared to be a fuzzy outline of -- something. When we looked at the preview of the picture, I said to the two of them, "It's Taylor!" "Taylor's here with us because we wants to share this moment with the three of us."
See what you think.
In the first picture, you can see the image of Taylor standing to the front left of Brooke. You can see the outline of his head directly above Brooke's white shoes. You can see the outline of his shoulders, chest and arms. He appears to be standing facing the camera. Same haircut as when he died. It's definately Taylor. In the second one you will see the letter "B" and what appears to be an "orb." There is SO much energy around! Taylor is Kevin's guardian angel for sure!
Can you see the orb to the right of Kevin's head? A medium (Melinda Vail) recently told me that Taylor is with Kevin quite a bit. He always considered Kevin Hassett as a brother. We think of Kevin as a son. We love you Kevin!
So beautiful / Maria Joshua Perez Mom
Taylor so beautiful not only on the outside but inside. Blessings for your family.
Most Beautiful Tribute / Maria Joshua Perez Mom
Lossing a child is unexplainable yet you have given some insight to those that greatfully don't know what this means. I haven't been able to read all of Taylor's tributes but this is the most beautiful one I have seem.
I can realate to what you feel as we all grieve so differently. When my son died I wish to do so many things to honor him and have seen myself let time go by and feel so powerless. I wish I had your strenghth.
I feel the hole in my soul as I read how maybe just maybe your sons life could have been saved as after 11 hours 3 emergency rooms my son was left to die, and to all those that had the responsibilty to at the least TRY to save my sons life, he only became thier statistcis that " not all will live". In the mean time my life has been destroyed as I knew it and how do I just MOVE on when the child I lived for has gone forever. I feel so scared people are trying so hard to forget "what happened" not understanding that them forgetting only makes it worse for me as I will never be able to forget.
I wil look forward to taking a look at all the support you have to offer us and being able to keep in touch. thank you so much for such a beautiful tribute.
G-d Bless.
joshua-renoir-perez.gonetoosoon.co.uk
joshua-perez-bonilla.memory-of.com
joshua-renoir-perez
What a wonderful son... / Lori W.
To Taylor's family....
For some reason I stumbled to your page here. My daughter would tell me I am a creeper looking at other people's personal information. I can't even claim to know what you are going through as a family. Whatever problems I have on any given day, is nothing what you are all going through.... Keep honoring your son. I think it is great! The one thing I have learned over the years, no one dies, the spirit is alive...and that is what keeps me going. I have a son and daughter too, great kids just like you have. I have no clue how you do what you do, other then honor your son and never ever for- get him. Thanks for sharing, may God bless you all, and may Taylor watch over all of you.
Hugs....
Lori
my wish - A song Taylor is singing for his friends / Lori Burgstahler (mom)
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow, And each road leads you where you wanna go, And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window, If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile. But more than anything, more than anything...
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but you never forget, All the ones who love you, in the place you left, I hope you always forgive, and you never regret, And you help somebody every chance you get, Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake, And always give more than you take. But More than anything, yeah, more than anything...
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to, Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too, Yeah, this, is my wish.
Tributes and Condolences
In hindsight, we should have never left Scottsdale. We should never had even thought, for one moment, to take our kids out of high school where they loved going to school. Unless your child asks to move, I would not recommend moving your kids during their high school years. You never know what can happen. 
Taylor is on the left, his body is larger in proportion to Brooke and Kevin. Taylor's head is near Brooke's back. 
Taylor so beautiful not only on the outside but inside. Blessings for your family.
To Taylor's family....
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